It was a hot morning, watching the hares gather their thoughts and make secret calls on their cell phones.Flying Booger taught school for three virgins, Just Jim,Aidan and Jeff.Just Aidan had participated in a running hash before so he was confident he knew what was in store.Little did he know there are street grates and trolley tracks to avoid while searching for powder.Today’s hares Arthur Gash and Cockstalker were given the proper 15 minute head-start; I bucked for 20 minutes, knowing the trail wasn’t set-in-stone as Gash usually pulls trail out of his butt.UPMS and Green Flagger had returned; it is always nice to see visitors cumming back for more!Men At Work was today’s SAG wagon; however she didn’t know it at the beginning of the hash.
Gash and Stalker are seasoned hares and proved it once again, as trail was fun and nobody got lost.Every pack wanker got sucked into their bad trails and check backs; even TD’s short-cutting note in chalk didn’t help us avoid a long u-turn.Of course if he wrote the note in English, we might have avoided an unnecessary 30 mile loop.As the temperature heated up to 169 degrees, we pulled into Little Red Labia’s house; complete with mattresses on the front porch.It was obvious she knew we were coming.Smooth spiced rum and plastic cups had been placed nicely next to the mattresses on the porch, so we all got busy.Even though Labia wasn’t home at the time, the neighbors had received a nice show.
After leaving LRL’s house, the next stop was a panty-check.The hares doled-out enough Casual Friday panties for everyone to wear for the rest of the trail.Wow!The harriettes looked HOT with my panties over their spandex bike shorts!I’ll have to do that when I visit other bike hashes.The lace over the spandex also helped Sanchez know that he was following a harriette this time, instead of a man posing as a harriette; but I still don’t believe his story from the Dad’s Day hash.He knew darn well he was chasing a dude!As panties were on helmets, fannies and other assorted body parts, trail weaved through campus.I wheeled up to Booger mid-pack and figured out why he was smiling so much; he was riding directly behind Chokes on Dicks and Deep Dish, both wearing pink lace panties on their size 2 hips.If I could have whipped out my camera without eating concrete, I would have had a sweet photo for the University of Arizona website.I can’t imagine what the campus security thought; I know Pick N Flick stayed in the back of the pack because Booger looked like a “perv”.I Love Fat Chicks while still hung-over from the previous night’s party; had been front-riding; this sighting explained it.
The trail took us through the intersection of 4th and University, where all trolley tracks across the United States merge into one big cluster-fuck. Someone was bound to go down (hello, we’re hashers!) and it was Dirty Sanchez.The wanker scored a 10.0 on the face plant scale, as he flipped his front wheel 180 degrees and separated his right shoulder.This is where we got to see Men At Work and Hurt Me on trail; as I waited with Sanchez, they pulled up with the newly appointed SAG wagon in front of the Epic Café.Sanchez didn’t want to leave right away, as he was getting his crotch licked by a dog while writing down the owner’s phone number.Men at Work did her best to flash the entire world while she and I loaded Sanchez’ bike into the truck and we poured Sanchez onto Hurt Me’s lap.He was on his way to St. Mary’s hospital for tea and crumpetes.Being right-handed, he now chokes his chicken with his left hand while screaming “stranger danger!”I must digress and wonder how he felt taking a dive in the middle of a busy intersection with a pair of panties on his head.
I took off and met up with the rest of the pack at Bison Witches’ back patio, after passing a Casual Friday “butt check”.I checked myself twice and wheeled into the bar.Since I had conveniently “forgotten” my cash and ID, I appreciated Cockstalker buying me a cold one.After the hares slapped one off for the waitress, they continued laying trail to Finish.
Circle was short and entertaining, as being the departing Grand Mattress, it was my duty to drink with every down-down as well as keep notes for hash trash.That was easy for the first three minutes, then the pressure got intense and I have pages of notes I can’t read now.Arthur Gash executed a fantastic demo down-down for the three virgins, Just Jeff, Aidan and Jim; as well as for the visitors, Green Flagger, Hurt Me and UPMS.Please excuse me for not documenting who made who cum, I think the Miller Lite was kicking in at that time.Bimbo made Hurt Me cum (pictures?), Cockstalker made one of the virgins cum, I think Gash made Just Jim cum, and Men at Work always makes UPMS cum.Rumor has it some young guy who’s name doesn’t matter, made Green Flagger cum.I think I just named him.I missed a third virgin-sponsor; someone will have to spank me, please.Trail trial covered the panty raid and the wet pasty powder dribbles on trail thanks to Gash.Since the hares didn’t bring chalk and apparently ran out of powder, they drank.The Stud nominees were Chokes on Dick for “wood on trail”, Gash for having sex on trail with Just Jim, me for all of my glorious panties that I don’t use, Little Red Labia for having mattresses on her front porch, and Bimbo for doing Sanchez in the middle of a busy intersection.Gash had to join us for a drink-off as he messed up his own ethnic down-down song.
Shitty acts on trail were discussed, Bimbo nominated me for throwing Sanchez onto the trolley tracks (much to her advantage); however Just Jeff went home with first prize.I documented what he did, but I can’t read it.I think it had to do with trying desperately to win the hash.Honorable mention was made for Master Meat Finder who rode the hash on a bike half-her size, borrowing Bimbo’s road bike (Bimbo stands only 4’ 10”).Green Flagger guzzled for hashing on a new bike, and Cockstalker drank because he likes to.I have to mention that it had been a very long time since anyone had seen Pick N Flick flash the masses.Sure as shit, she pulled the puppies out for the Pedalfiles, I don’t think she was aware of the two tattooed Harley guys who sat to the left of our table.They caught a glimpse and rubbed one off under their table.I think it’s also a fine time to mention Green Flagger, who was sporting her semi-new cycling pants that show off her thong panty lines.The lines were so good that after she put on a pair of Casual Friday panties over the spandex, you could still see the thong outline…as well as the wood that all the harriers were sporting.Trailing Dick won the DFB award, as we hadn’t seen him since the panty raid.He probably went home to get his 1,301 blow job that he likes to brag about.I have to mention also, that the Red Garter Bar/Grill won’t forget our group, as we left calling cards all over the patio.Panties were left hanging from the television, the pigeon poles, the stucco wall, the ceiling fans and light fixture above the entrance.Well done wankers!
Circle closed after I was presented with a coveted “Hash Founders” hat.I was very surprised and touched (myself) at the same time.It means a lot to me that my fellow hashers pulled together to make it happen, as some strings had to be yanked and green-backs were donated for the cause.My fellow Pedalfiles ROCK and haven’t seen the last of me, as I’ll need help in Tampa to start a sister bike hash, just as fun as this one.I encourage all Pedalfiles to keep their eyes on Florida’s “Interbash” that will happen in February, as it would be our first biking interhash experience. If that means we’ll all be virgins--I’m in!
As the dynamic duo--also known as the Grand Mattri, are splitting up (sniff!); Bimbo and I had decided the Pedalfiles could use a Religious Advisor to help carry the bike hash to a new level.Most of the Pedalfiles members were nominated for the newly created Religious Advisor position; however the new RA to support the lone Grand Mattress will be Flying Booger.With his seasoned experience, he and Bimbo will lead the bike hash through another fun-filled year.
The past eleven bike hashes have been a raging success despite a few face plant scars; and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it.What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, and my hat is off to all Pedalfiles hash members who have made Tucson’s new bike hash a wonderful event to look forward to every month!
