RU Wearing Green?
Pappa Don’t Peek and Arthur Gash had quite the challenge ahead of them; to lay the perfect trail while hung-over. The Pedalfiles pack always expect a primo hash trail and given the fact the boys were up all night with their favorite beverages and harriettes (wait a damn minute, I wasn’t there!), we thought for sure we’d see a cluster-you-know-what of a trail. They were out to prove us all wrong. While Gash wore yesterday’s green dress and Mini Pearl hat that seemed glued to his body in the 90 degree heat with Pappa in tow, the hares set off on their bikes from Famous Sams at Grant and Silverbell Road. We had a few Pedalifiles virgins join us, Stick Me Anywhere and Gummee. Another virgin named Double Dicker rode up and draped herself over Ass Hole in El Paso while Dirty Sanchez rode in at the last minute like the prodigal son we’ve all missed. The hares asked for a 20 minute head start; I think the pack gave them 12. Let me make note that I fought tooth and nail for more time. Oh, did I mention I hare next month?
The first part of trail included some bullshit check back 20 up hill both ways, and I was the first to fall for it. I had a few Pedalfiles behind me, so I wasn’t alone. I Love Fat Chicks had a long bad trail from the same decision point and he’ll be the first to tell you that his ride was longer and harder; not sure if he was talking about the road. Bimbo, Double Dicker and I were in a jam at the stop light as we were stuck behind the typical little old lady who has to sit at a green light wondering what to do next. Yes, it was Master Meat Finder who we were pushing! Getting her to click-in her damn race shoes and cross the road was like waiting for Sanchez to show up to another Pedalfiles hash. We had a pleasant ride on a smooth bike path that took us by the outskirts of some homeless hang out; in fact I think I saw the dude who parked his shopping cart in the middle of the path wearing Gash’s Mini Pearl hat. We rode through some barrios and found out where the bums get their shopping carts; about 30 of them were lined up in dirt lot. I half expected to see Pappa lying in one of them. We rolled into a crack park for an Irish Whiskey shot check brought to us by Meat Flaps, and refilled our water bottles. While Double Dicker stripped off her clothes, Pick N Flick yelled at me for not wearing my helmet. Ironically Straight to Video then banged the back of his head on the metal structure just missing the part of his head covered by his helmet and now he can't remember his name. Okay Mom, I’ll be sure to wear my helmet next time.
We hit a snafu on Speedway and lost trail, we also had a “bike hike” trail without warning. Rumor has it Gash and Pappa pulled this part of Trail out of their butts; like that’s never happened before. Bimbo and I walked our bikes over used condoms, crooked nails and broken glass as the 120 psi tires were sure to blow during the hike. We were sent under the over pass onto 4th Avenue, lead by Fat Chicks and Cockstalker. Cockstalker snared Pappa about 40 feet from the bar check at The Hut; he ran into Pappa at the corner while he was laying powder. The Hut was a very cool beer check as they have a big outdoor patio to hang out in and we could keep a close eye on our bikes. What we also realized is when sitting outside we couldn’t see the action inside, as we missed Booger giving the 4th Avenue regulars a table dance. As it was about time for the pack to leave, Fatty ran inside waving a dollar bill and shouted, “I see London I see France, I get Booger’s last table dance!”
The trail continued on behind the Meet Rack (I think I saw Nicole’s blood stains in the parking lot) and rode down a hill below the highway overpass where El Paso tried to ram my ass while watching Fatty. My God, how sick is that! At some point in time we had to hoist our bikes on our shoulders once again to climb stairs and then rode through a plaza where Cockstalker was verbally abused for not walking his bike. We also rode through a parking ramp where Fatty was verbally accosted, good thing he’s used to it. It’s also a good thing we’ve all practiced giving the finger while riding our bikes. We rode through downtown on the wrong side of the street and on the sidewalk; it’s probably a good thing we lost Yoda and Appendage earlier on as they would have suffered heart attacks with all the moving violations we had the opportunity to rack-up. At some point, Pick N Flick toppled over, seems we always have to have a token harriette on her back during trail (yes, this includes Fatty). Our cycle helmets are off to Pappa and Gash who put us through 16 miles of fun. Even if the Trail came out of their butts, they laid a great one (trail that is)!
On-On Pedalfiles!
Casual Friday
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