Paris Hilton/Nicole Ritchie Red Dress Ride:
Cockstalker and Plush Toy, I mean Paris and Nicole were welcomed by our Hash Mattress Bimbo, in all their red dress glory at the Meet Rack. The owner and the two bartenders were also sporting their red gowns while pouring PBR for the rest of the red dressed bike hashers. Paris looked radiant in her new pair of Dolce Vita shoes which completed her ensemble des jour, and Nicole was all-a-glow with her pink Gucci bag and hat set that she paid a good buck for at Savers. I do believe Nicole stole the pink hat from Bavarian Crème, but there is another place and time to be caddy. Arthur Gash, I mean Wendy (can I get some fries with that shake sweetheart), was sporting a near-bare derriere in her short skirt, red pigtails and knee-highs. Dr. Slow Ride wore a tight red dress to match his sweet red cruiser he rode from 40 miles away (is that all?). Three hash participants rolled out of the same bed (woohoo!) and didn’t wear red; Yoda, Appendage and Master Meat Finder.
The hares left in a zigzag pattern as neither one of them practiced mounting their bicycle with a dress on, prior to the bike hash. Paris did fairly well; Nicole took a few shaky loops around the Meet Rack to get it straight before hiking up the dress (my eyes!) to head north, following Paris. The first leg of the trail was interesting, we came upon a crime scene and Wendy volunteered to ask Mr. Policeman what the problem was. I am more than certain Mr. Policeman took one look at the blackman in a short skirt and red pigtails riding a bike and thought that they were investigating the wrong crime scene. Just after that, Master Meat Finder tried to draft me in stealth mode, which you guessed it; left me laying on my back once again with my legs up in the air. The pack left my red Casual Friday-ass behind in the middle of the street; I figured they didn’t want to be on camera. I was lucky to have prior experience wiping off bits of trail stuck to my kneecaps in seconds, so I could get off my back and back on trail.
We stopped at Gentle Ben’s for a cold brew and a snack, where the waitress tried to steal $5.00 from us. I’m not sure why she thought we needed to pay for a beer twice; but then again Fatty in a red dress will scare any server into confusion. I’m just thinking it would be nice if Fatty would learn to sit with his knees held together like a real lady.
The next bar stop was Belushi’s, where Paris and Nicole had sex on trail. Actually, it was on top of a beer cooler, but who wants to be picky. A few jealous hashers who haven’t donned a bike to ride with us on trail in the last five months had stopped by to have a beer with us. Nice to have them, perhaps next time they’ll bring a bike! From there, we found our way back to start. Plush Toy finished laying trail with blood and facial epidermis as he executed a 9.8 face-plant between Belushi's and Finish. I rode in to Finish and found Plush Toy disoriented, he was clicking his ruby slippers and muttering “There’s no place like home.” He and I back-tracked on trail to try to find his lost truck key with no luck. Master Meat Finder volunteered her time to drive him home. We have not seen Plush Toy since; my guess is he is busy recuperating from plastic surgery and learning how to ride a bike without having his bag slip between the spokes of his bike wheel. As always, down-downs were kept short and sweet in the patio of the Meet Rack; a few pictures were taken for the Wall of Shame inside the bar, which was followed by a red dress orgy in the S&M room with God.
It just doesn’t get any better than this!
Casual Friday
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